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Modeling Emotions for Kids: Building Emotional Intelligence Through Example

Reviewed by Rajini D, M.Sc. SLP (AIISH)··6 min read
TL;DR — Modeling emotions effectively teaches children emotional regulation and empathy. By expressing feelings aloud, parents provide a template for kids to identify and manage their emotions, fostering emotional intelligence crucial for social interactions.
Parent and child in a living room engaging in emotional expression, demonstrating modeling emotions.
📘 Part of our complete guide to Parent Co-Regulation: Your Own SEL First

Why Modeling Beats Teaching

In the world of social-emotional learning, actions speak louder than words. Albert Bandura's Social Learning Theory emphasizes that children learn behaviors by observing others, particularly adults 1. This principle is crucial when it comes to modeling emotions for kids. Instead of merely telling children how to handle emotions, demonstrating emotional recognition and management in real-time is far more impactful.

Imagine this: You're stuck in traffic with your child in the backseat, and you feel your patience wearing thin. Instead of silently fuming, you say, "I notice I'm feeling frustrated because we're running late." This simple acknowledgment not only helps you manage your emotions but also shows your child how to handle similar feelings.

This approach aligns with Brackett's insights on emotional regulation, where parent regulation directly influences child regulation 2. By modeling emotional intelligence, you pave the way for your child to develop these critical skills. Additionally, children who see adults managing their emotions are more likely to feel secure in expressing their own feelings. This foundational safety is crucial for developing self-awareness and self-management skills as outlined by CASEL's competencies.

To explore more about how your emotional regulation affects your child, check out our Parent Co-Regulation: Your Own SEL First guide.

Parent expressing emotions in front of a child, who is observing to learn emotional modeling.

The 'I Notice I'm Feeling X' Script

The "I notice I'm feeling X" script is a straightforward yet powerful tool for modeling emotions. This script involves acknowledging your feelings out loud, providing a template for children to emulate. By doing so, you help them identify and articulate their own emotions.

Steps to Practice This:

  1. Identify the Feeling: Recognize what you're experiencing.
  2. Express It: Use the script: "I notice I'm feeling [emotion] because [reason]."
  3. Model a Response: Share how you plan to manage the feeling.

A worked example: Imagine you're at the grocery store and feeling overwhelmed by the noise and crowd. You could say, "I notice I'm feeling overwhelmed because there are so many people here. I'm going to take some deep breaths to calm down." By verbalizing this process, you help your child see a constructive way to handle similar situations.

For more on routines, see Self-Care as SEL Modeling (Not Instagram Self-Care).

Parent expressing stress in a supermarket with child observing, demonstrating emotional learning.

Naming the Bigger Ones: Anger and Sadness

Dealing with intense emotions like anger and sadness can be challenging. However, it's crucial to model handling these emotions in a healthy way, as children often struggle the most with them.

In my practice, I've worked with many parents who felt unsure about expressing anger in front of their kids. I often advise them to say something like, "I'm feeling very angry right now. I'm going to step outside for a moment to calm down." This approach shows that it's okay to experience strong emotions and that taking a break is a healthy strategy.

Why This Matters:

  • Demonstrates Coping: Shows children it's okay to feel strong emotions and how to manage them.
  • Encourages Empathy: Helps children understand that everyone has emotions and the importance of empathy.

By discussing these emotions openly, parents can dismantle the stigma around feelings, making it easier for children to express themselves. For practical strategies, the Cool Down: Fun Ways to Calm Angry Feelings story can be a useful resource.

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Modeling Repair After Losing It

Even the most mindful parents lose their temper sometimes. When this happens, modeling repair is a valuable lesson in humility and relationship skills.

Picture this scenario: After a long day, you snap at your child for making a mess. Later, you might say, "I was upset earlier and raised my voice. I'm sorry. Let's find a way to clean up together." This script demonstrates accountability and teaches children how to mend relationships.

Modeling repair not only fosters trust but also strengthens the bond between parent and child. Children learn that making mistakes is part of life, but owning up to them and making amends is crucial. Explore more on this topic in When You Lose It: Repair, Don't Aim for Perfect.

What Kids Learn When You Hide Feelings

Hiding emotions can inadvertently teach children that feelings should be suppressed. According to Gottman, kids may interpret this as a norm, leading to emotional bottling 3. This can hinder their ability to express and manage emotions healthily.

Impacts of Suppressing Emotions:

  • Limited Emotional Vocabulary: Children may struggle to articulate emotions.
  • Increased Stress: Bottled emotions often lead to stress and anxiety.

Instead, openly discussing emotions helps normalize them, fostering a healthier emotional environment. This practice contributes to developing social awareness and relationship skills, as children learn to understand and empathize with others' emotions.

A real-life script: During a family dinner, your child might ask why you seem quiet. Instead of brushing it off, you could say, "I'm feeling a bit sad today because I had a tough day at work, but I'm glad we're having dinner together." This honesty encourages openness and trust.

Infographic comparing hidden versus expressed emotions and their impacts.

Cultural Considerations

In some cultures, discussing feelings openly isn't common. It's essential to respect these differences while finding ways to integrate emotional learning that fits cultural values.

Consider creating a safe space where emotions can be discussed freely at home. Using Understanding Our Feelings: A Printable Social Story can be a gentle introduction to these conversations. Balancing cultural norms with the need for emotional expression is key to fostering emotional intelligence in children.

In my practice, I've encountered families who express emotions differently. Some use storytelling or art to discuss feelings, which can be an effective alternative to verbal expression. Encouraging children to draw their emotions or tell stories about their day can be an excellent way to explore emotions safely.

Building This Habit Slowly

Like any habit, naming feelings out loud takes time to develop. Start small by incorporating this practice into everyday situations, such as family meals or car rides. Gradually, it will become a natural part of your interactions.

Tips for Building the Habit:

  • Choose One Emotion Daily: Focus on naming one emotion each day.
  • Reflect with Your Child: Discuss how it felt to express that emotion.
  • Use Resources: Incorporate social stories like Abi's Feelings Adventure Social Story PDF for reinforcement.

Starting with simple emotions and gradually addressing more complex feelings can help ease children into the habit. This gradual approach ensures that children aren't overwhelmed and can build confidence in their emotional expression.

References

1 Bandura, A. (1977). Social Learning Theory. Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_learning_theory

2 Brackett, M. (2019). Permission to Feel. Yale RULER insights on parent regulation. Retrieved from https://www.amazon.com/Permission-Feel-Unlocking-Emotions-Ourselves/dp/1250212847

3 Gottman, J. (1997). Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/product/raising-an-emotionally-intelligent-child/

Try It This Week

Reading is the easy part. Skills build through small, repeated practice — here's a low-pressure plan you can try with your child.

  1. 1
    Express one emotion dailyDaily
    Focus on verbally expressing one emotion each day to model emotional recognition and management for your child.
    👉 What this looks like
    Pick a moment each day, like during breakfast. Say, "I notice I'm feeling a little sleepy today because I stayed up late." This shows your child how to identify and articulate their emotions. Over time, encourage them to share their own feelings using similar phrases.
  2. 2
    Use social stories to reinforceThis week
    Incorporate social stories to help your child understand and express emotions through relatable scenarios.
    👉 What this looks like
    Choose a story like "Abi's Feelings Adventure". Read it together at bedtime. Discuss the emotions in the story, asking your child, "How do you think Abi felt? Why?" This encourages empathy and understanding of emotions in different contexts.
    use this story →
  3. 3
    Model repair after conflictOnce this week
    After a disagreement, model how to apologize and repair the situation, teaching conflict resolution.
    👉 What this looks like
    After a minor argument with your child, say, "I was upset and raised my voice. I'm sorry. Can we talk about how to avoid this next time?" This teaches accountability and how to mend relationships.
  4. 4
    Create a feelings chartThis weekend
    Make a chart with your child to track daily emotions, promoting emotional vocabulary and self-awareness.
    👉 What this looks like
    Sit down with your child to create a simple chart with emojis or pictures representing different emotions. Use it daily to check in: "How are you feeling today? Let's mark it on our chart." This visual tool helps children become more aware of their emotions.
  5. 5
    Practice deep breathing togetherDaily, 5 min
    Teach deep breathing as a coping mechanism for stress and strong emotions.
    👉 What this looks like
    Each evening, practice deep breathing together. Say, "Let's take three deep breaths to relax." Demonstrate by inhaling deeply, holding, then exhaling slowly. Encourage your child to join you. This shared experience fosters calming techniques they can use independently.

Frequently Asked Questions

Why is modeling emotions important for kids?
Modeling emotions helps children learn how to recognize, articulate, and manage their own emotions through observed behaviors, fostering emotional intelligence.
How can I model emotions for my child?
Express your emotions verbally and show how you manage them. Use scripts like "I notice I'm feeling X because Y." This teaches children to identify and handle their emotions.
What if expressing emotions isn't common in my culture?
Respect cultural norms but find ways to integrate emotional learning. Use storytelling or art to express feelings safely and naturally.
How does hiding emotions affect children?
Hiding emotions can teach children to suppress their feelings, leading to stress and limited emotional vocabulary. Open expression fosters a healthier emotional environment.
How can I teach my child to handle big emotions?
Model healthy coping strategies like taking breaks when angry. Discuss emotions openly and use resources like social stories to guide them.

References

  1. Bandura, A. (1977). Social Learning Theory.
  2. Brackett, M. (2019). Permission to Feel. Yale RULER insights on parent regulation.
  3. Gottman, J. (1997). Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child.
Rajini Darugupally, Speech-Language Pathologist
Rajini Darugupally
Speech-Language Pathologist · M.Sc. SLP (AIISH) · 10+ years of clinical experience
More about Rajini & the team →

Educational, not medical advice. This article is for informational purposes and is not a substitute for professional medical or therapeutic advice. If you have clinical concerns about your child, please talk to your pediatrician, speech-language pathologist, or other qualified professional.