FreeHow Do They Feel?
Look at a moment from a friend's side and guess how everyone feels.
Understand others · for autistic and ADHD kids, 3 to 10
How to teach empathy to an autistic or ADHD child
Autistic children care about others. What can be harder is reading the clues, and that goes both ways. Help your child become a feelings detective: look at what happened and what someone's body is doing, not only their face, and talk about how different people show feelings differently.
What it is
Understanding how someone else feels
Social awareness is understanding other people's points of view and caring about how they feel, including people whose lives are different from ours. For children, it starts with noticing: what happened to that person, and what might they need now?
Schools call this Social awareness, one of the five CASEL social-emotional skills.
- Noticing a friend is upset and bringing them their teddy
- Guessing why someone feels a certain way: “She's sad because her ice cream fell”
- Understanding that others can like different things
- Knowing who to ask for help, at home and at school
- Saying thank you when someone is kind
For autistic and ADHD kids
Empathy is there. Reading clues is the work
It goes both ways
The “double empathy” idea says that misunderstandings between autistic and non-autistic people run in both directions. In one small study, autistic people shared information with each other just as well as non-autistic people did with each other. Mixed groups found it harder.
Faces are only one clue
Many autistic people say eye contact is uncomfortable or makes it harder to listen. Looking at what happened, what someone says and what their body does is just as good a way to understand feelings.
Fast and kind can clash
Many ADHD children care a lot but act before noticing the clue, for example by interrupting a sad friend with a joke. Slowing down to “look for the clue” is something you can practise in play.
Helps
- Being a feelings detective: “What happened? What clue tells you?”
- Accepting answers from the situation, not only the face
- Sharing how you show feelings: “When I'm sad I go quiet”
- Praising kind actions out loud when you see them
Skip
- Requiring eye contact as proof of listening
- Saying your child “has no empathy”
- Only one right answer for how someone feels
- Correcting kindness that looks different from yours
Age by age
What it can look like, and what to practise
A rough guide. Autistic and ADHD children often build these skills on their own timeline, and that is fine: start from where your child is today, not from their age.
3 to 5
Often: Noticing when someone is upset, and by around 4 many children comfort others who are hurt or sad.
Practise: Name feelings in books and shows: “Look, his tower fell. How might he feel?”
6 to 8
Often: Starting to explain why someone feels a certain way, and that others can think differently from them.
Practise: “What happened? What's the clue?” games. Guessing what someone might need.
9 to 10
Often: Understanding mixed feelings in others, unspoken rules, and different points of view in one situation.
Practise: Talk about stories from more than one side. “How would it feel for each person?”
Try this at home · 5 minutes
Feelings detective with a picture book
Any book with pictures works. The goal is looking for clues together, not getting the answer right.
- Pick a page where something has just happened to a character.
- Ask: “What happened to her?” Start with the event, not the face.
- Ask: “How might she feel? What's your clue?” Any clue counts: the event, her body, her words.
- Share yours: “I think she's disappointed. When I'm disappointed, I go quiet.”
- Ask: “What could help her?” and act it out with a toy if your child likes to.
Practise it in SocialBlossom
Games for understanding others
13 games, from Starter to Challenging. 3 are free. No wrong answers, no timers, and a calm voice reads everything.
Free
Who Needs Help?
Spot the friend who needs help, and pick what might help them.
FreeWalk in My Shoes
Step into someone else's day and feel what they might feel.
- Thank You MomentsSpot the kindness, send a thank youStarter
- Happy or Not?How does this friend feel?StarterFree
- Who Can Help?Find the helper for each problemEasy
- Who Needs Help?Find the friend who needs helpEasy
- Friends or Not?Are they being friends?Easy
- All Kinds of FriendsWhat we share, what makes us specialMedium
- Everyone's Good at SomethingFind what each friend is good atMedium
- Share or Keep?Should we share or keep it?Medium
- How Do They Feel?Read how everyone feelsMediumFree
- Kind or Unkind?Sort kind and unkind actionsMedium
- Walk in My ShoesFeel what others feelChallengingFree
- The Ripple EffectSee how actions spreadChallenging
- Guess the RuleSpot unspoken social rulesChallenging
Read more
Guides for parents
Nurturing Empathy in Autistic Children: A Strengths-Based Approach
Understanding Facial Expressions: A Guide for Parents of Neurodivergent Children
Understanding Theory of Mind in Neurodiverse Children
Understanding Social Cues: Differentiating ADHD and Autism in Children
Rethinking Eye Contact: Autistic Communication and Connection
Nurturing Social Awareness in Children: A Guide for Parents
Questions
Questions parents ask
Do autistic children have empathy?
Yes. Autistic children care about others. They may show it differently, and may find some social clues harder to read. Researchers also point out that non-autistic people often misread autistic people too, which is called the double empathy problem.
What is theory of mind?
Theory of mind means understanding that other people have their own thoughts, feelings and knowledge that can differ from yours. It grows over many years in all children. Guessing games about what a character knows or wants are a gentle way to practise it.
Why does my child miss social cues?
Some cues are fast, unspoken or rely on faces and tone. Many autistic and ADHD children notice other clues instead, like what happened or what was said. Naming the clue out loud (“He crossed his arms, I think he's cross”) makes the hidden rule visible.
How do I teach perspective-taking at home?
Use books, shows and play. Pause and ask what a character knows, wants or feels, and what clue tells you. Accept your child's reasons, and share yours. Short and often works better than long talks.
Should I make my child look at people's eyes?
No. Many autistic people describe eye contact as uncomfortable or distracting. Your child can show they are listening in other ways, like facing you, answering or nodding.
Sources
- CASEL. What is the CASEL framework?
- Milton (2012). On the ontological status of autism: the ‘double empathy problem’. Disability & Society.
- Crompton et al. (2020). Autistic peer-to-peer information transfer is highly effective. Autism.
- Trevisan et al. (2017). How do adults and teens with self-declared autism spectrum disorder experience eye contact? A qualitative analysis of first-hand accounts. PLoS One.
- CDC. Important milestones: your child by four years
Written by the SocialBlossom team for parents. It is general information, not a diagnosis or a plan for your child.
Start with How Do They Feel?
It's free, and a calm way to practise looking for clues together.