Meet the Calm Tools
Meet five calm tools while calm: push, jump, squeeze, a quiet spot, smell and blow. Try each one together.
Calm my body · for autistic and ADHD kids, 3 to 10
Emotional regulation activities for autistic and ADHD kids
Practise calm tools when your child is already calm, so they are familiar when a feeling gets big. In the hard moment, stay calm yourself and use fewer words. Afterwards, help them try again, ask for help, or make a Plan B.
What it is
What your child does when a feeling gets big
Self-management is handling feelings, thoughts and actions in different situations, and working towards goals. For young children, it mostly means three things: getting calm again, sticking with something tricky, and coping when a plan changes.
Schools call this Self-management, one of the five CASEL social-emotional skills.
- Using a calm tool, like a squeeze or slow breaths, when upset
- Asking for a break instead of running off
- Trying again after a tower falls, or asking for help
- Coping when the plan changes: a closed park, a different teacher
- Waiting a short time for a turn
For autistic and ADHD kids
Why calming down can be harder, and what helps
Big feelings come with ADHD
A large review describes strong, fast-moving emotions as common in ADHD at every age, and a major source of difficulty. It is part of how ADHD works, not a lack of willpower.
Overload builds up
Sensory differences, a change of plan or a long day can fill an autistic child's cup before anything visible happens. A review of emotion in autism lists sensory differences and a strong need for sameness as common contributors.
Flexibility can be practised
In a school trial with autistic 8 to 11 year olds, a program built on short scripts like “Plan A, Plan B” and “big deal or little deal” improved flexibility and handling transitions more than a social skills group.
Helps
- Practising one calm tool a day when nothing is wrong
- Your calm first: low voice, few words, stay close
- Warnings before changes: “Two more slides, then shoes”
- Short scripts you both know: “Plan B”, “little deal”
Skip
- Teaching new tools in the middle of a meltdown
- Stopping stims. Many autistic people say stimming helps them regulate
- Long explanations while your child is upset
- Punishing a meltdown as if it were a choice
Age by age
What it can look like, and what to practise
A rough guide. Autistic and ADHD children often build these skills on their own timeline, and that is fine: start from where your child is today, not from their age.
3 to 5
Often: Needs a grown-up to get calm again. By 3, many children calm down within about 10 minutes after a parent leaves.
Practise: Calm tools as play: squeezing a pillow, pushing a wall, blowing bubbles. You stay close.
6 to 8
Often: Starting to pick a calm tool with a reminder, and to bounce back after small setbacks.
Practise: Name the tool: “Shall we push the wall?” Plan B games for small changes.
9 to 10
Often: Can plan ahead for known hard moments, with help. Self-control keeps developing into the teens and early adulthood.
Practise: A personal calm plan with their favourite tools. “Big deal or little deal?”
Try this at home · 5 minutes
One calm tool a day
A minute of practice while your child is calm, so the tool is ready when they need it.
- Pick a calm, happy moment, like after a snack.
- Try one tool together for about a minute: slow breaths, push the wall, a big squeeze and let go, or a favourite stim.
- Ask: “Thumbs up, sideways or down?” Their rating is the right one.
- Keep the thumbs-up tools on a little list or picture card.
- When a feeling gets big later, offer one from the list. Don't explain, just offer.
Practise it in SocialBlossom
Calm-down and flexibility games
9 games, from Starter to Challenging. 3 are free. No wrong answers, no timers, and a calm voice reads everything.
FreeKeep Trying
Watch a child get stuck and find a new way. Try again, ask for help, or take a break. All three count.
FreePlan B
When a plan breaks, notice the feeling, calm the body and pick a Plan B. “Still sad” is a real answer.
- Meet the Calm ToolsTools to try when feelings get bigStarter
- Calm or Stormy?Is this friend calm or upset?StarterFree
- Stop and ThinkPause before you actEasy
- My Body's AlarmCatch your body's warning signsEasy
- Feelings WeatherFeelings come and go like weatherEasy
- Keep TryingTry a new way, ask for help, or take a breakMediumFree
- Oops, Now What?What to do when things go wrongMedium
- How Big Is My Problem?Size it up, pick a reactionMedium
- Plan BWhen plans change, find a Plan BChallengingFree
Read more
Guides for parents
Supporting Emotional Regulation in Autistic Children: A Comprehensive Guide
Emotional Regulation Strategies for Children with ADHD: A Comprehensive Guide
Co-Regulation Strategies for Supporting Autistic Children
Meltdowns vs. Tantrums: Understanding and Supporting Your Child
Creating a Calm-Down Corner: A Guide to Supporting Your Child's Emotional Regulation
Using First-Then Boards: A Simple Guide to Supporting Autistic Children
Questions
Questions parents ask
How do I calm my autistic child during a meltdown?
Keep them safe, lower the noise and light if you can, use very few words and stay close and calm. A meltdown is not the time to teach. Practice with calm tools happens on calm days. If meltdowns are frequent or worrying, talk to your child's doctor.
How can I help my child with transitions?
Give a warning before the change, show what comes next (a picture or a first-then card), and keep a short, familiar script. Small, planned changes practised during play can make real changes feel less sudden.
How does ADHD affect emotional regulation?
Many children with ADHD feel emotions quickly and strongly, and find it harder to slow them down. This is widely described in ADHD research and is not a lack of effort. Calm tools practised ahead of time and a calm adult nearby both help.
Are there impulse control games for kids?
Yes. Games that build in a short pause before choosing, like Stop and Think or How Big Is My Problem?, practise the moment between wanting and doing, without timers or penalties.
Is the Zones of Regulation the same thing?
The Zones of Regulation is one popular school program for this skill. The ideas on this page, like calm tools practised while calm and noticing body clues, fit alongside it.
Sources
- CASEL. What is the CASEL framework?
- Shaw et al. (2014). Emotion dysregulation in attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. Am J Psychiatry.
- Mazefsky et al. (2013). The role of emotion regulation in autism spectrum disorder. J Am Acad Child Adolesc Psychiatry.
- Kenworthy et al. (2014). Randomized controlled effectiveness trial of executive function intervention for children on the autism spectrum. J Child Psychol Psychiatry.
- Kapp et al. (2019). ‘People should be allowed to do what they like’: autistic adults’ views and experiences of stimming. Autism.
- Center on the Developing Child, Harvard. Executive function: skills for life and learning.
- CDC. Important milestones: your child by three years
Written by the SocialBlossom team for parents. It is general information, not a diagnosis or a plan for your child.
Start with Keep Trying or Plan B
Both are free. Each starts with a short video of a child in a real moment, then lets your child try.