Mastering Sharing: Strategies for Parents of Neurodivergent Kids

Why 'Share!' Fails Developmentally

When you tell your children to "just share," it might seem like a fair directive. However, developmental psychology suggests that this approach can backfire. Young children are naturally egocentric, a normal stage of their cognitive development, meaning they see the world primarily from their own perspective. Forcing them to share doesn't align with their developmental abilities and can lead to negative feelings such as resentment or confusion.

In my practice, I've seen many parents express frustration when their children refuse to share toys. Often, these parents are surprised to learn that sharing is a skill that develops over time and with guidance, not through force. The key is to support children in understanding the concept of sharing rather than demanding it.

Research from experts like Janet Lansbury emphasizes that forcing sharing can actually discourage genuine generosity and cooperation ². Instead, we should focus on strategies that align with children's natural development stages.

Encouraging Natural Sharing

One way to encourage natural sharing is by modeling behavior. Children learn a great deal from observing adults. If they see parents sharing and expressing joy in doing so, they are more likely to mimic such behaviors. Besides, providing opportunities for cooperative play, such as team games, can help children understand the benefits of sharing and teamwork.

The 'When You're Done' Approach

The "when you're done" approach is a powerful, research-backed strategy that encourages natural sharing. This method involves allowing a child to finish using a toy before another child gets a turn. It respects the child's autonomy and teaches patience to the waiting sibling.

Imagine a scenario where two siblings, Alex and Jamie, both want to play with the same truck. Instead of saying, "Alex, you must share," you might say, "Jamie, when Alex is done with the truck, you can have a turn." This approach teaches both siblings respect and patience, fostering a sense of understanding and cooperation.

Teaching Through Storytelling

Incorporating stories or scenarios where characters successfully navigate sharing can also reinforce this approach. Use books or social stories tailored to your child's interests to illustrate the benefits of waiting and taking turns. This method helps children visualize positive interactions and outcomes.

Turn-Taking with Timer (Alternative)

Another effective strategy for encouraging sharing is using a timer. This method involves setting a timer for a specific duration during which one child plays with a toy, then switching to the next child when the timer goes off.

Picture this: Emma and Noah both want to play with the same puzzle. You might say, "Emma, you'll have the puzzle for 5 minutes, then it's Noah's turn." Set a timer, and when it rings, encourage Emma to pass the puzzle to Noah.

Steps for Using a Timer:

1. Set an agreed time limit (e.g., 5 minutes).
2. Remind the children of the rules: "When the timer rings, it's time to switch."
3. Encourage the transition with positive reinforcement, such as "Great job waiting, Noah!"

This practice not only teaches children about time management but also helps them to engage in cooperative play.

Real-Life Application

In my practice, I've found that using timers works exceptionally well in group settings, such as playdates or classroom activities. It provides a structured yet flexible framework for children to understand the concept of time while engaging in shared activities.

Body Autonomy Applies to Toys Too

Children are learning to understand their bodies and possessions. Teaching them about body autonomy can extend to their toys. By respecting their right to decide when to share, you instill a sense of ownership and control.

Consider a conversation like this:

Parent: "I see you want to keep playing with your doll. It's okay to finish your play. When you're ready to share, let your sibling know."

This approach reinforces the idea that sharing is a choice, not an obligation, fostering a healthier sibling dynamic.

Encouraging Ownership

To reinforce this, create a system where each child has a few items that are exclusively theirs. They can choose when and if they want to share these. This practice helps reinforce boundaries and respect for personal and shared property.

When YOUR Adult Intervention Helps vs Hurts

Knowing when to intervene is crucial. Too much intervention can stifle sibling relationships, while too little can leave conflicts unresolved.

By observing and understanding when to intervene, you can support your children in developing their problem-solving skills.

Fostering Independence

In situations where intervention is necessary, try to facilitate rather than dictate solutions. Encourage children to express their feelings and brainstorm solutions together. This helps them develop critical thinking and negotiation skills.

Siblings of Different Ages: Different Rules

Age differences between siblings can present unique challenges. Younger children might not grasp sharing concepts as quickly as older siblings. Tailoring your approach based on age can be beneficial.

For instance, a 3-year-old may need more guidance and reinforcement than a 7-year-old, who might understand the concept of taking turns more readily. Using age-appropriate methods ensures each child is supported according to their developmental stage.

For more on managing age gaps between siblings, explore our article on Different Ages, Different Needs: Managing the Sibling Gap.

Customizing Approaches

For older children, introduce more complex sharing concepts like empathy and fairness, perhaps through role-playing games. For younger ones, focus on simple turn-taking and praise for sharing efforts. Adjusting strategies to fit developmental stages helps ensure understanding and cooperation.

Rajini's Clinical Voice on Shared Toys

In my practice, I've worked with families where shared toys often became a battleground. One effective strategy is creating a "shared toy basket" where certain toys are designated for communal play. This helps set clear expectations and reduces conflicts over ownership.

Additionally, using social stories like Let's Share and Play Together - Printable Social Story can be a great tool. These stories offer scenarios that help children visualize and practice sharing in a fun, engaging way.

By implementing these strategies, parents can foster an environment where sharing becomes a natural, enjoyable part of play rather than a point of contention.

Setting Up a Sharing Environment

Create a play area with clear boundaries and designated spaces for shared and personal toys. Visual cues, like labels or color-coded bins, can help children identify which toys are communal and which are personal. This setup promotes autonomy and understanding in shared spaces.

References

¹ Markham, L. (2012). Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting.

² Lansbury, J. (n.d.). Sharing: The Never-Ending Battle. Retrieved from janetlansbury.com.

Faber, A., & Mazlish, E. (1980). How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk.